Prophase
by bluedolls
Summary: What if a single genetic difference could change the whole story? Set mid-Breaking Dawn. Bella is pregnant, but the baby inherits her immunity to Edward's mind-reading. What if Edward never read her mind, never bonded and started fighting for the baby? A dark interpretation of how things might have gone for Bella and Jacob if nature and destiny had a different path in mind.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I began writing this story after coming across another fanfiction centered around what would have happened if Jacob and Bella took up Edward's offer for "puppies" in _Breaking Dawn_. The idea intrigued me, but after a few chapters, I just couldn't read anymore. Everything was too clean and pretty and out of character for what was really going on. This is my attempt at taking a really dark storyline and seeing what details would need to change in order for the characters to follow that plot and still stay true to themselves. I tried to treat it delicately, but fair warning, please do not continue reading this story if you are uncomfortable with the topic of abortion and loss.  
**

* * *

**Edward POV**

Bella was sitting up in her hospital bed staring out at the endless expanse of trees in the back yard. Or maybe she was staring at her own gaunt reflection in the window, or at nothing at all. No matter how long I had known her, I could never become used to the frustration of not knowing her thoughts, but I didn't need to read her mind to see the pain she felt now.

"Bella, darling?" I placed a tray on the swivel table beside the bed. She looked distant, like she didn't hear.

"Hmm?"

"Why don't you have something to eat? Esme made you some vegetable soup."

"Thank you," she said, still looking out the window.

"What are you looking at?"

"Nothing. Just thinking about things. About the future."

I couldn't help but feel bitter at her answer. At this rate, the future couldn't be more than a few weeks for Bella. I was was about to lose the love of my life—no, of my existence—and I was powerless to do anything about it.

"Will you promise me something, Edward?" Bella asked.

"What is it, my love?" I was careful about responding with "anything" anymore. Bella had been making a lot of impossible requests lately, and the last time I gave in to one, it put her in this hospital bed.

Bella patted her growing midsection.

"Promise me that you'll find a way to tell Charlie. Not about all of this," she gestured to the bed and the cup of blood I had subtly brought in with the soup, "but about him. Promise me you'll take him to meet Charlie when he's ready."

"Bella, please," I pleaded. I hated when she talked like this, as though she were giving a verbal will with every breath she had left. Maybe she had accepted her imminent death as inevitable, but I would not.

When she turned to face the window again, I couldn't help but notice her neck and the pale skin stretched over strained veins. Her blood still called to me, but it was quieter now. Weaker. Her heart was pumping twice as hard and being half as effective. She wouldn't last long enough to bring another life into the world, much less spare her own.

"You can't do this to yourself, Bella. I am sorry to my core for doing this to you," I told her. "Please, just let Carlisle save you."

"No. I want Carlisle to save _him_. And you know there's still a chance you can save me too and turn me before it's too late." Bella reached out and held my hand. "I love you, but this is what I want."

"I know you want to do this, but Bella, it can't survive. You won't last long enough to give it—'him'—a fighting chance. He's going to die, and you're going to die, and then what will this all have been worth? You're sacrificing yourself for a battle you can't win! You—"

"Knock knock!" Alice invited herself inside. I had heard her coming, of course, but I needed to say how I felt. I had to change Bella's mind, and Alice interrupting wasn't going to help. Unless…no. I couldn't do that.

_Can't you see you're upsetting her?_

"She needs to be upset. She's killing herself for nothing!" I lashed out at Alice's unspoken thought. I so rarely raised my voice, but I was desperate to save her.

Bella started crying, and I hated myself more than I already did for doing all of this to her. Alice stopped at the bed and gently stroked her shoulder.

"What about the baby, Edward?" she choked between sobs. "You have always been so selfless, ready to sacrifice your own happiness for someone else. It's part of what I love about you. How can you be so…so…SELFISH about this!"

"Bella, please! I would do anything in my power to keep you safe. If wanting you to stay alive is selfish, then yes. I'm selfish."

"You would risk an innocent life so you wouldn't have to lose me."

I cringed because she was right. I knew I deserved the accusation, but I couldn't bring myself to feel any differently about the situation. That thing killing my Bella was far from innocent.

"I know you don't want to believe it, love, but there is no happy ending here. It's not a matter of trading one life for another. I know you want to have this baby, and I know that you're willing to give your own life to make that happen. It is one of the strongest and bravest choices you could make, and I admire you for it. But it's all in vain. There are only two possible outcomes here: You let Carlisle help you live, or you and the baby both die. There is no scenario, with or without you, where that baby lives. It's going to kill you before you can bring it to term. Given those odds, yes, I pick keeping you alive. Please live, Bella. Let Carlisle save you, and we can find another way."

Bella's sobs turned to a silent stream of tears.

"Alice, what do you see?" she asked, ignoring my plea of reason.

"I'm sorry, Bella, still nothing." Alice replied.

Bella turned over to face the window with her back to us once again.

"I'm tired," she announced. I knew it was our cue to leave.

"We'll be right down the hall, Bella. I love you."

Alice followed me out into the hall and shut the door behind her, and I gestured for her to come with me. We sat on the love seat in Alice's room, close enough to run to Bella's side in milliseconds, but far enough that she wouldn't overhear.

"She's getting worse, Edward."

"And you're sure you still see nothing about the outcome in your visions?" I had probed her mind over and over and seen the same blank haze Alice had seen, but I kept asking, hoping that something would change for the better.

Alice shook her head. "Still nothing."

The first time Alice confessed to the blind spot, Bella had adopted her own twisted interpretation. If Alice couldn't see the outcome, she reasoned, it must be because an outcome hadn't been decided on. Her fate was still up in the air, which meant there was a small glimmer of hope that the baby could survive. And she wasn't going to let us save her as long as she clung to that hope.

"I try to see and all I get is emptiness. But it's so strange. Normally I get at least a glimpse of a scene, or sometimes a sequence of quickly changing scenes when things are undecided. Sometimes it's blurry. But it's never just…void. I don't know what to make of it. It's almost like there _is_ a course, but something is blocking my sight" she confessed.

"Alice," I primed myself for what I was about to ask of her. Bella was right, I was selfish to the core.

"I need you to do something for Bella. And you can never tell anyone, not even Carlisle and Esme."

A frown crossed Alice's porcelain face as I explained myself.

"Tell her you had a vision."

"Edward! No." Alice gasped, and I knew she understood exactly what I was suggesting.

"It's the only way. She is as headstrong and stubborn as she is beautiful. It is an amazing quality, but she is standing up for the wrong thing this time! You know she can't survive this, vision or no vision. We all know it. Sometimes I walk into her room when she's sleeping, and it feels like she's laying in a coffin instead of a hospital bed, like we're all just waiting for her to stop breathing . We can't just sit back and wait for her to die."

I hunched over with my head in my hands, begging some other option to present itself. We were out of time for other options, and I knew it.

"She will never forgive you if you do this, Edward."

"I would rather her find out and be alive to hate me than the alternative. Alice, you know it's the only way to convince her. She doesn't understand what she's doing. She's too selfless to let herself make the right decision."

We had all taken turns trying to explain the consequences of this decision to her. The only one of us who remotely believed that it might be worth it to try to have the baby was Rose. I understood why, but I hated her for egging on Bella's suicidal plan and fueling the hope that Bella had no right to have. Rose cared more about that baby than she ever cared about Bella.

"Edward, she's my best friend. This would be the deepest betrayal of her life from both of us. If she finds out, it will destroy her and our entire family. Are you willing to risk all of that?"

"I am. I have spent every hour since we found out she was pregnant thinking of how to save her. This is the only way."

I was sure of it, because I knew in my heart there was no way Bella could survive the pregnancy. And I knew deep down in the darkest part of my soul, that even with the tiniest chance that the murderer in her womb survived, I could never love the thing that killed my darling Bella. This decision would tear Bella apart, but she would heal with time. And agreeing to let Carlisle abort the fetus and save her would give her the time she needed to move past all of this. If having a child was so important to her, we would find a way, safely, after she was better.

"I don't like it, but I believe you, and I agree." Alice grasped my hand and put another hand on my shoulder.

"The options we have are horrible, every one of them. Either she dies with the baby, or she makes a decision that will haunt her for the rest of her life."

_I'm doing this for you, not Bella._

I picked the unspoken thought from her brain. She knew this wasn't what Bella wanted. But what Bella wanted was a fairytale that couldn't be, and this was the best alternative we had.

"We can never tell anyone else, Alice. Not even Jasper."

"I'll take it to my grave," she whispered.

It might have been a joke under other circumstances, but there was nothing funny about it. My sister threw her arms around my neck, and we held each other for a long time, shaking from the tears we couldn't shed and the decision Bella couldn't make.


	2. Chapter 2

**Bella POV**

I woke to the sound of a deep voice and couldn't place where I was. I opened my blurry eyes and remembered I had fallen asleep on the Cullens' white leather couch—_our_ couch—in the living room.

"Sorry Bells, didn't mean to wake you," Jacob whispered. "Go back to sleep."

He carefully adjusted the afghan covering my body, and I smiled and sat up slowly. Edward was sitting in an armchair across the room, giving me a sad smile. No matter how much we had argued in the recent weeks, he was always there to look out for me.

"It's okay, Jake. I'm happy to see you."

I instinctively snuggled into his side for the warmth, and the light touch of his arm around my shoulder made me miss the lung-crushing hugs I was used to from him. Everyone had been walking on eggshells around me for weeks.

"I'll be right back with something to eat, Bella. You've been out for a while," Edward said. He stood up and walked into the kitchen, leaving me alone with Jacob.

"So, what have you been up to?" Jake grinned down at me. We both knew how absurd that question was.

"Let's see…well, Monday I went fishing with Charlie, but I'm such a klutz that the only thing I caught was my own foot. Do you know how much those fish hooks hurt, Jake? Then Tuesday I hung out with Angela and we went down to Port Angeles to catch a movie. I cleaned the house on Wednesday, and then yesterday I was feeling pretty good, so I ran a half-marathon and baked a few batches of cookies when I got home." I laughed at my joke, but we both knew I hadn't so much as walked into the next room without assistance in weeks.

"Sounds like a pretty good week, Bells. Think you can squeeze me in somewhere soon? Maybe go cliff diving or something?" He smiled a forced smile.

I could tell he was trying to put on a brave face for me, but my usual bright and shiny sun looked defeated. I thought about the fake offer to go sky diving and the fake fishing trip with Charlie and started to cry for the things I was going to lose. For the _people_ I was going to lose.

"Shh, it's okay, sweetheart," he hugged me gently to his body and whispered against my hair.

I wiped my face on the worn fabric of his shirt and tried not to think of all the life experiences I had already had for the last time, and the new ones I would never get to see.

"Sorry, I'm okay. I promise," I sat back up and sniffed a little as I got my crying back under control.

"Bella," Alice and Edward slowly entered the room. I hadn't been hungry anyway, but I noticed Edward wasn't carrying the food he had promised. Something was up.

"What's going on?" I asked.

"Bella, Alice had a vision," Edward said. He sat to my right on the couch while Jacob still leaned in close on my left. Alice took the armchair. From the looks on their faces, this wasn't good news.

"It's not going to end well…for anyone," she said. "Bella, I'm so sorry."

"No, I can do this!" I started crying again. Alice's visions changed all the time when the circumstances changed. I would drink more blood and start eating better. I would take it easy and be more careful. Then Alice would see that my baby could live.

"Sweetheart, you can't," Edward stroked my hand gently as he said it. "There's nothing we can do."

"What did you see, Alice? Tell me exactly what you saw," I demanded. I needed to know. If I knew, then I could figure out how to stop it.

"Bella, it will be better if you don't—"

"I NEED to know." I cut her off mid-sentence.

Alice glanced at Edward like she was asking permission to tell me. He nodded once.

"Your spine, Bella. It's going to break your spine. There's going to be so much blood. And the baby, it won't make it, Bella. It's too little and too soon."

"How soon?" Jake asked the question that I couldn't choke out. I braced myself for the answer.

"Wednesday," Alice whispered.

I felt defeated, dead. Wednesday was in five days, and I wasn't far enough along yet. Even with the accelerated growth, five days wasn't enough by a long shot. Edward carefully placed his arms around me, and my family let me cry in the silence I needed as the information sunk in.

I sobbed and sobbed. A large, warm hand pressed still against my back as Edward held me. I was just starting to hyperventilate when the feeling subsided a little, just enough so that I could catch my breath, and I looked up to see Jasper give a small nod from the top of the stairs.

"Monday," I whispered in Edward's ear, but I knew everyone else in the room could hear it, too. "I need a little time, just in case, Edward."

"Bella, we need to act fast," he coaxed.

"Monday. I need time to think about this. Maybe something will change…Alice you'll tell me the minute you see something new, won't you?" I asked.

She nodded. "Of course, but Bella…please be ready for the possibility that nothing will change by Monday."

"I just...I need some time. Alone."

"Of course, love," Edward kissed the top of my head.

Jacob carried me upstairs to my bed, and I spent the next few hours crying and allowing my mind to roam a path I had never allowed it down before, one where I continued to live and my sweet baby did not. I mourned him and all of the fishing trips he would never go on and the milestones he would never reach. I hated myself for being such a weak, insufficient human. For a moment, I wondered if maybe I was better off taking the risk and letting myself go with him, unsure if I would be able to live at all after what Monday would bring. Somewhere in all of the horrible "What ifs," I fell into a deep sleep ridden with nightmares. Unlike the ones I used to have, these were frighteningly undefined. There were no wolves or vampires or bared teeth, only dark shapes and harsh sounds, and the overwhelming feeling of searching for something I couldn't find that would always be lost to me.

**-Jacob POV-**

I quickly shut the door before I started crying in front of Bella. I stood there for a long time, hating that I could be so close to her and so powerless at the same time. My Bells was hurting just a few feet away, and there was absolutely nothing I could do to make it go away. I couldn't even hold her without hurting her. But if I was honest with myself, a small part of me was relieved by the news because I knew it meant that Bella might survive all of this. Physically, anyway. The look on her face reminded me of how she looked when _he_ left her, and I just didn't know how much more loss she could take.

"If I didn't know better, I'd think you were reading _my_ mind," Edward spoke from behind me, and I jumped.

"Jesus!" I whipped around. "Don't do that!"

I followed him back down the stairs and into the living room where the rest of the Cullens had gathered.

"What's going to happen, Carlisle?" I asked.

"If Bella consents, we move forward with the surgery Monday morning."

And then it hit me. This wasn't going to be some routine outpatient procedure, and Bella had never planned to come out of this pregnancy human. Two lives were going to end on Monday. Three, if you counted mine.

"Not necessarily," Edward answered as though I had asked a question.

"What do you mean?" Don't hope. _Don't_ hope.

Rosalie spoke up. "Does somebody care to share this conversation with the rest of us?"

"Jacob was just considering the probability that Bella will be one of us after the procedure. I know that was the original plan, but I think given the circumstances, it would be best to postpone that particular decision," Edward explained. "To subject her to that excruciating experience while she is already in so much emotional pain…there's no way of knowing what long-term effects that may have. Vampires are such unchanging creatures by nature; to bring her into our world with such a fresh burden on her shoulders, she might never begin to recover from it."

"Don't you think you should let Bella decide?" I asked. What the hell was I saying? I didn't want Bella to decide anything that was going to end with her pale, cold, and dead. But it bugged me that he was talking about Bella's life as though he was in complete control of it, like her feelings didn't even matter.

"Of course this is Bella's decision," Esme agreed. "Edward just wants what's best for her."

"We all do, dog. What, you want her all sparkly and sweet? Have it your way," The big one guffawed.

"Don't worry; we'll go over all of the details with Bella before the procedure, Jacob," Carlisle promised. "If Bella consents and everything goes smoothly, we'll keep a syringe of venom on hand just in case, but there is no reason to anticipate our using it. It will just be a precaution."

_Just a precaution_. Warning: In case of death, administer agonizing poison. Some precaution. I swallowed hard and prayed that Bella would live to see another hospital room with a clumsy sprained ankle or two before that happened.


	3. Chapter 3

**Bella POV**

Over the next few days, I kept down every meal and let myself be carried everywhere without complaining once. I stayed hydrated and succumbed to "relaxing" facials that Alice said would help clear my body of toxins and improve my mood. I did small in-bed exercises to improve my circulation, and I prayed to whatever God might be listening, but Alice's vision never changed.

As they wheeled me in to Carlisle's medical room, I couldn't bring myself to cry. This must be what it felt like to be a vampire, the strong urge to release that sadness in a physical way, but being incapable. The worst part was feeling like I was the only one really mourning this loss while everyone else around me felt relieved. I never imagined a feeling worse than losing Edward, but now I realized I was wrong. I shut my eyes as the drip in the IV began to pull me under.

"I love you, Bella. No matter what," I heard him whisper. The fog in my head was so thick that I couldn't place a face with the voice, but then I felt a cold, smooth hand graze my palm, and I surrendered to the darkness wondering if my palm, too, would be a cold marble the next time I woke.

...  
...

"Stable….worst is over…"

"...soon."

...

"Can she hear us?"

"Bella…."

"Bella, I know you're awake. I know you can hear me. You're going to be fine. You'll need time to recover, but everything went well. I'm so sorry, Bella."

"Why isn't she responding?"

"I think she's in shock."

"Bella, love? Just squeeze my hand and let me know you're okay."

_Not okay.  
_  
…..

"Bells? They said you weren't talking to anyone yet. I just wanted to see you."

_Not okay._

**June**

_Get up. Shower. Chew breakfast. Swallow. Say "I'm fine." Etc. Etc. Sleep. Repeat._

_Not okay._

**July**

_Repeat._

**August**

_Repeat.  
_  
**September**

_Repeat._

**October**

**Edward POV**

It had been five months since the procedure, and Bella's human body made an excellent recovery. For all intents and purposes, she was thriving, but she wasn't living. She did everything she was supposed to do and yet she always seemed far-off, never present in her own moments. She cooked, but she had no appetite. When I kissed her, she kissed me back, but she never initiated anything.

Two months after it happened, we had dinner with Charlie. I thought being able to see him would cheer her up since she never expected to see him again after the honeymoon. They hugged and exchanged small talk, but she showed no signs of joy or fulfillment with her new married life, and I picked a few painful thoughts from Charlie's mind.

_She looks so unhappy_, he had thought. _I knew she never should have married that kid. I wonder if they'll get a divorce._

She didn't talk about being turned anymore, and I didn't bring it up. If Bella had decided to stay human, I would happily support that decision and hope that she could still heal. If she didn't want to think about it, then I wouldn't ask her to. I didn't want her making any rash decisions in her depression.

When I tried to talk to her about how she was doing, she always shut me down with a quick "I'm fine," or "I just need some time," but I could tell nothing was getting better, and I was out of ideas for how to help her. She started making lists and plans for pointless projects to keep her busy, but she never carried out half of them.

That's how I ended up sitting in my car on the side of the road, waiting for a half-naked Quileute boy to emerge from the woods.

"What's going on? I came as fast as I could. You said it's about Bella?" Jacob shouted as he approached the car. I got out and we both leaned against the car, just past the treaty line.

"I'm worried about her. She says she's fine, but she's not. She's completely inconsolable and I don't know what to do for her," I admitted.

"You know, I've seen her like this once before," Jacob said. I watched a slideshow of images play through Jacob's head. Bella was hunched over with her arms wrapped around herself in every single one.

"I know. Why do you think I'm here?" I asked. The problem was this time I was here to hold her together. I just couldn't do it. "You helped her once before. I need your help. _Bella_ needs your help."

"I can't fix this one," Jacob said. "You know I've visited her a few times and she treats me the same way. She won't really talk to me." He picked up a twig and began absentmindedly pulling splinters from it.

"She doesn't talk to anyone, Jacob. Not really. She just goes through the daily motions and nothing more. She's just playing a part."

"What has she said about, you know. Changing," he asked. "Moving forward. Whatever."

"Nothing at all. She accepted that she needed to stay human to recover from the procedure, but she hasn't brought it up since it happened. To be honest, I never knew she wanted children so badly. I think maybe going through this has made her realize that she does, even if it's subconscious. I don't think she knows it, but she's waiting so she still has time to experience that human miracle. And it's the one thing I can never give her."

I paused to collect the words to say the craziest sentence that would ever come out of my mouth.

"Jacob, that's why I called you today."

"What? I already told you I can't help," he argued.

"I have a sort of…proposal. I haven't discussed this with Bella because I don't want to upset her further if it's not a possibility. I wanted to speak with you first."

I paused again, waiting for Jacob to catch up with me, but I could tell he was still clueless.

"Would you be willing to give Bella what I can't?" I asked bluntly.

"I can give Bella a thousand things that you can't. But I'm still not following," he admitted.

"I'm talking about children, Jacob."

_What. The. FUCK. The bloodsucker has lost his mind._

"I know it's crazy, but I think another child may be the only thing that can make Bella happy again. This is hard for me to ask of you or even consider, but it's something I have thought a lot about.

"You're serious. You're actually serious." Jacob looked dumbfounded, and I didn't blame him.

"For what it's worth, I wish I wasn't," I said.

"Dude, you're her husband. It's messed up that you would need to come to her ex—er, um, _me_ for advice in the first place. But this? This is a whole new level of fucked up."

"I came to you because you're her best friend and you're the only person I know that can help her. You did it once before. I'm not saying do it right now. Just think about it."

"No. I can't believe you're seriously asking me this. Look, you won. Game over for me. I'm not going to be some lame stand-in batter for your team. I'm fucking retired. Done."

He took off in a sprint towards the forest and stripped off his shorts. Before he disappeared, he turned back around and shouted, "By the way, make sure I'm not anywhere near Bella when you run that home run of an idea by her."

He phased and was gone, but not before I saw the images flashing through his head. Him with his arms around Bella, placing a hand on her growing belly. Bella with a baby in her arms, smiling up at him in a hospital. Those glimpses told me that there was still hope for Bella. I wasn't so sure about hope for myself.

**Bella POV**

I'll need more eggs and flour. Might as well pick up extra paper towels, too. I wonder if I halve the cooking time but double the temperature if it would be edible? Maybe I'll buy double the ingredients so I can test that out. Roses. I think I'll start my own garden tomorrow morning. I wonder if Newton's still carries gardening supplies? It's cold out, though. Roses won't grow this time of year. I need new socks. Wait, did I empty the dryer earlier? I don't think I did. I went downstairs and got the mail instead. I should probably—

"Bella?" I looked up from my shopping list to see Edward standing at the end of the kitchen counter.

"Oh hi, Edward." I smiled up at him from my barstool.

"Would you like to go for a walk, sweetheart?" he asked.

I was pretty busy, but I didn't want to let him down.

"Sure," I left my list on the counter and got up.

He smiled and held my hand as he led me out the backdoor. Esme's ferns were very well-kept. I noticed the vibrant greens and yellows and imagined that they must look ten times as beautiful to her senses. I thought about hydrangeas and palm trees and daffodils and tried to picture how each one would look next to the house.

"There's something I wanted to talk to you about," Edward started.

Maybe we could add a water fountain. Or hedges. I would go to the library and pick up a book on horticulture and topiaries. I needed to remember to put that on the list when we got back.

"Honey, I feel like you're not even here most of the time," he said.

"Of course I'm here, Edward. See?" I squeezed his hand to show him.

Which reminded me, I would need gardening gloves. Maybe one of those kneeling pads, too.

"I'm worried about you. Please, love, tell me what I can do to help. I want you to be happy again."

"I'm fine, Edward. Thank you for your concern, but really, I'm okay."

Couldn't he see that? I didn't let myself wallow. I wasn't going to be that lost girl that was left behind before. Back then I moped and cried and drowned in self-pity. I wasn't doing that. I was being productive.

"I just want you to know that you can talk to me. You don't have to put on a brave face all the time. You can tell me how you really feel," he said.

"I'm fine."

Fine. Speaking of fine, I needed to remember to pick up confectioner's sugar this time and not just the granulated kind. I'd have to add that to the list.


	4. Chapter 4

**Jacob POV**

I pounded the earth with my paws as I ran for the eleventh day in a row after my little visit with Edward, pretending each step was my fist connecting with the bloodsucker's face. At first, I used my wolf to get out of my human head and run off the emotions, using movement in the place of words. But the last couple of days it had just become a way for me to think about it more in private without the danger of phasing out of anger. I was careful to phase back the second Leah or Seth went wolf.

Edward was completely insane and that's all there was to it. Driven to lunacy by an impossible situation. I hated him for saying those things to me, for asking me to dig myself further into the endless sinkhole that Bella Swan—no, Bella CULLEN—had become to me. And worse, I understood why he did it.

I shouldn't have even been part of this whole messed up equation anymore. The woman of my dreams was married; like I told him, game over. I fought for her as hard as I could, but there was a point where I was supposed to give up and move on. I was supposed to turn around, let go, and never look back. I might even welcome an imprint if it meant not having to think about the fact that my real soul mate was married to my mortal enemy. Instead, I was having play dates with the guy. That's me, good old reliable Jacob Black. Cullen family friend. Always the shoulder to cry on. The one to call when you need a favor. I gouged a nearby tree with my claws in frustration, leaving a long scar in the ancient bark. I was drawing the line at adding fucking "sperm donor" to the list.

And yet I hadn't been able to keep my stupid traitor of a brain from going there once he said it. He planted that seed and I couldn't stop the sudden flood of images of Bella happy again. But I wasn't picturing what could happen if I took him up on his offer. I was picturing how natural and easy her life would have been if she had chosen me in the first place. I saw Bella with our safe and healthy baby. I saw her smiling up at me and the miracle we created together. Every single problem she had had over the last few years would have been erased if she had just chosen me over him.

It wasn't too late for me to run. I could still turn around, head in the opposite direction, and never look back at this mess and the battle I had already lost. Instead, I went to see Bella. 

* * *

I walked up the steps to the front door wondering what in the world I would say to her. I wasn't going to bring up Edward's insane lapse of judgment, but if she was as far gone as he said, then I had to at least try to help her somehow. I hoped the words would come to me when I saw her, because I sure as hell didn't know what I was going to say now.

Alice opened the door and greeted me before I could knock.

"Jacob, what a pleasant surprise," she smiled. "Bella will be glad to see you."

"Thanks, Alice. Where is she?" I asked.

"She's upstairs working on her CD collection. Edward bought her a big box of assorted albums from the internet and she's been creating a system to organize them all. You can go on up, if you want."

I took the stairs two at a time, then hesitated for a minute just outside of the door. If she was listening to music again, maybe she would be okay.

"Bells? Can I come in?" I peeked my head inside the doorframe.

Bella was sitting in the middle of the hardwood floor with rows and rows of CDs arranged in a circle around her. They took up all of the available walking space and many still sat in taller stacks around the edges.

"Hey Jake! Sure, come on in. Just watch your step."

She made a move to part the sea of albums for me to join her, sliding them out of the way but careful not to affect the order. I dodged Etta James and Michael Jackson as I folded myself into the small space she created next to her on the floor.

"What brings you here?" she asked.

"It's been a while since I saw you, Bells. I wanted to see how you were doing and thought maybe you'd want to hang out some time."

"Sure, Jake. Thanks for coming."

I watched as she continued to pull albums from the stacks around the periphery of the circle. Every time she found the right placement for the next one, she had to adjust the entire rest of the circle. This must have taken her hours.

"So what are you doing with all of these?" I asked.

"Edward surprised me with them. At first I thought I wanted them in alphabetical order, but then I tried to separate them by genre. I had a hard time because there are so many that just don't fit into one neat category, you know? I didn't want to choose the wrong ones. So now I'm putting them back in alphabetical order," she explained.

We sat in silence for a while, and I watched her continue to alphabetize. She had been quick to greet me and answer my questions, but made no attempt at conversation herself. I tried a few more topics, but she just gave quick answers and stayed immersed in her little music library. Edward obviously knew how much she liked music and was trying to get her to enjoy the things she had cared about before. It wasn't a bad idea, except she wasn't actually playing or enjoying any of the music, just moving it around on the floor. I thought of the Disney movies my sisters and I used to watch as kids and couldn't help but think of another monster that tried to keep another beautiful girl locked away and satisfied with a library full of books. Did that make me the big muscular town idiot in this scenario? God I hoped not.

"You've got a lot of good stuff here. Why aren't you playing any of it?" I asked.

"Oh, you know, just didn't really feel like it right now. It distracts me."

It felt like déjà vu and brought me right back to a moment so long ago in my garage. Just like then, all I wanted to do was hug her and make the pain go away. I almost wished she had her arms wrapped around her middle now; at least then she acknowledged that something was wrong.

"I'm worried about you, Bells. Talk to me."

She sighed.

"Everybody keeps saying that, but I'm fine. Really. You don't have to worry about me," she said.

"Sweetheart, you're not fine. The Bella that I know loves all kinds of music and would never sit in a room full of it in silence. In fact, I'm pretty sure she would be wearing herself out getting up and down, putting CD after CD into the player because she couldn't listen to just one all the way through before wanting to hear the next one. And she'd probably be tripping over her feet and breaking some in the process."

"People change, Jake."

Yeah, she had changed. But she was avoiding the biggest change of all, which left me with hope that maybe she wanted to be back to herself as much as we wanted her to be. Damnit. _We_? When did Edward and I become a united "we?"

"Edward's worried about you, too," I blurted out.

"How do you know how Edward feels? He's not here right now," she eyed me suspiciously.

"I saw him the other day, and I could tell he's worried about you," I hedged.

"You saw him? What, you ran into him at the grocery store? You two don't exactly run in the same circles, Jake. What's going on?" she asked.

There was no way in hell I was telling her all the details about our meeting. If I could go back and unknow them myself, I would.

"He came to see me because he was worried about you and he didn't know what to do," I confessed.

"Bells, can I ask you something personal? I don't want to upset you, but I know it might not be something you want to talk about with him right now, and I thought maybe you needed to talk about it with someone else. Someone...human."

I fidgeted with a stack of unsorted CDs and found myself absentmindedly placing them in order as she had been doing. Maybe it did help with stress. She didn't respond, so I kept talking.

"It's about you, being, well, you. I can't tell you how happy I am that you're still human, Bella. You know where I stand on that particular topic. But I know you had plans to turn right after the wedding. I realize things are different now, but I was just wondering how you're feeling about it. Did you change your mind?" I asked.

She put down the CD she had been holding and turned to face me head on, pulling her knees to her chest so that we were sitting knee to knee in the tiny space in the center of the room. It felt so familiar and intimate, and in that moment, I missed her so much even though she was right there.

"I don't know. I haven't really thought about it at all. I didn't want to think about it. I don't want to think about anything." The last sentence was almost a whisper.

I picked up her tiny hand and squeezed it in mine. She gave a small squeeze back, and it felt like I was finally breaking the tiniest hole in the wall she had put up.

"You don't have to decide anything right now. I just want you to know that it would be okay with everyone if you did change your mind or want more time, or anything really."

I was rambling now, but all in all, I felt like I was doing pretty well.

"Thanks, Jake."

She reached up and hugged me of her own accord, and I squeezed her back. It felt so good to hold her again and to know that that's what she wanted, that she actually _wanted_ to hug me and wasn't just passively letting it happen.

"It's just, it's not too late to experience some of those human things you maybe didn't think about before. When you're ready to think about them again, if you wanted to try again, I mean, just…it's not too late. Edward loves you and I'm sure you two can find a way to be happy again. You'll make an excellent mom one day, Bells."

Her eyes narrowed at the last part.

"What did you just say?" she asked. I had said too much.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…I don't want to upset you or make you uncomfortable. Edward just thinks that maybe once you're feeling better and have had some time to think about it, that maybe you'll realize you do want to have children one day, and that's why you're waiting."

I needed a rewind button. This wasn't going right at all.

"Wait, 'Edward thinks?' So now my husband is talking to you about what I may or may not want in the future, but he can't even ask me himself?"

Crap. Busted. It was the first time I had heard her raise her voice in months.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have interfered. I think I should go and let you two talk about it when he comes home. What I said still stands, though. You still have time to make choices and think about what you want, Bells. Just think about it."

I stood up and tried to navigate my way back out of the room without breaking any CDs.

"Wait, Jake?" She asked as I made it to the door. I turned back to face her.

"Thank you for coming. I mean it."

And for the first time in months, I felt like she did.


	5. Chapter 5

**Edward POV**

I was doing my best to pick up on little things Bella used to enjoy and find ways to reintroduce them into her life. If I couldn't make her talk, at least maybe I could make her smile. We both shared a passion for music, and given her recent inclination towards organization and list-making, I thought she might enjoy building her music library. I had hoped that she would listen to the array of music I had surprised her with, perhaps reminisce about old favorites or find a few new ones, but so far she had only spent hours rearranging them in silence. I tried buying her a new Italian cookbook and cooking her favorite dish myself (with a little guidance from Esme), then taking her on a romantic picnic under the stars in our meadow. She smiled and ate and thanked me several times, but said little else the entire meal.

I remembered hearing her muttering to herself about roses during one of her recent verbal lists, so I returned home from hunting with a dozen yellow roses. I opened the front door and found her silently pacing the living room floor.

"Bella, is everything alright?" I asked.

"No, everything is _not _alright, Edward."

Finally. She sounded agitated, but I welcomed any emotion if she was ready to open up about what she had been feeling. I placed the roses on the end table by the door and gave her my full attention.

"What gives you any right to talk about our marriage and my personal issues with Jacob?" she asked pointedly.

"Oh. Sweetheart, I'm so sorry. I've been so worried about you," I admitted.

"You should have talked to _me_."

"I wanted to, Bella. I tried. Nothing seemed to be working, so I went to the one person I knew had helped you the most in the past. He's your best friend."

"Yes, Edward. And _you_ are my husband," she said. "I'm not upset that you talked to Jacob. I'm upset that you _didn't_ talk to me. I told you not to worry about me so much; you should have just asked me yourself."

"I was trying to protect you, love. I didn't want to bring it up to you as a possibility in case he didn't agree. You must understand that I didn't want to get your hopes up for nothing. But I'm glad to hear he has come around to the idea," I explained.

I would have preferred that Jacob let me know before he made an official offer to Bella so that I could have had time to speak with her first, but I was glad he had finally decided to help.

She looked at me with a mixture of confusion and something else, perhaps waiting for me to further explain the motivation for taking such drastic measures to ensure her happiness. I owed her a lot of explanations for this strange arrangement.

"Well, now that you know, we have a lot to discuss. I'm sorry I didn't ask you myself, my love. Please tell me, what are your thoughts now? I know it is a highly unusual arrangement, and I can't imagine it was easy for Jacob to agree to have a child with someone he cannot be with. But I know he ultimately wants what is best for you, as do I."

A look of horror suddenly took over Bella's face.

"You asked….he agreed…to…to…WHAT?!" she stammered.

Oh no. If Jacob hadn't told her, then what had he said? I had never wanted to read a human's mind more than this second in my entire existence. I could normally win any argument, counter any punch, give any correct answer in a millisecond. But I had no idea what Bella knew and what she didn't, and no idea how to fix what I had done.

"I'm so sorry, Bella, I assumed that Jacob had brought up our discussion. This isn't how I had planned for this conversation to go, but allow me to explain. I can see how unhappy you are. I had no idea how much you wanted children, and I believe that you didn't know it yourself until you had already decided your own fate to become a vampire. Every day, I see how hurt you are by that loss, and how empty it made you. I thought perhaps the only thing that could truly make you happy again is to be given a second chance at motherhood. I will never forgive myself for putting you in that danger and being responsible for such pain. I realize this won't take any of it back, but I'll do anything to make you happy again."

"I know it sounds absurd, but I went to Jacob and asked him if he would be willing to give you what I couldn't. I love you, Isabella, and I want to give you everything you've ever wanted. Please don't give up one dream to fulfill another that you thought you had. Darling, it's okay if you want to remain human for a time, or forever, as long as you are happy."

"EDWARD CULLEN, IF YOU WANT TO HAVE CHILDREN WITH JACOB BLACK, YOU CAN DO IT YOURSELF," she shouted.

"I can't believe you would go behind my back for a decision this important! And I can't believe you would ask that of Jacob. He has been through so much already, Edward. He doesn't deserve us to keep tying him down here. He has his own life."

She was right, of course, but hearing it stung. Bella deserved so much more, and yet she wasn't thinking about her own greater loss. She was worried that I had hurt Jacob's feelings. She might have made her choice between the two of us, but I knew that a bond that deep didn't break so easily. She was still tied to Jacob Black whether she knew it or not.

I hesitated to respond in case she had more to say. It was time she finally let out her feelings, and I would gladly bear whatever words she threw at me because I deserved them all and worse.

"This is _my_ body, Edward. Mine. At most, this decision is _ours_, the two of us alone. This isn't something you can just put to a vote and the majority wins!"

She paced the room several times, then finally sighed and sat on the sofa.

"The truth is, I don't know what I want right now. I haven't really let myself think about it ever since _it_ happened. Since I lost our child. It just hurts so much. The thought of becoming a vampire and never having children hurts, and the thought of staying human and having another child that could never replace the one we lost hurts, and the thought of staying human and growing older than you hurts."

I carefully sat beside her and wrapped my arm around her shoulders. She was leaning with her elbows on her knees and her head in her hands.

"I don't know what to do," she confessed to the floor.

"You don't have to know right now. You're still so young. You have time to decide. And when you're ready and you know what you want, I will support you no matter what you decide. You are my life now, and I only want you to be happy."

The selfish part of me hoped that her happiness could include my own, but I was willing to pay whatever price was necessary to fix the damage I had done.

Bella broke down and cried after that. She shocked me when she asked whether her baby had been a boy or a girl, and I realized that after all this time, she did't know. I was hesitant to tell her, to give her something more tangible to mourn, but finally confessed that we had lost a daughter. I held her in my lap and rocked her until she had drained every tear from her fragile human body. We sat like that for an hour, mourning our past, present, and future together, until a quiet calm came over her. I watched as she stood up, walked into the kitchen, and threw her notepad of lists into the garbage without a word.

**Bella POV**

I laid awake for hours thinking about all the things that Edward had said to me and trying to identify my feelings for the first time in months. How much of what he had said was true? Did I want another child? I still couldn't believe Edward had tried to involve Jacob, but I tried to push those twisted details out of my head for the moment and focus on my own desires for once.

I thought about the numbness of the past few months and the way I had worked so hard to push away my grief. In all of those efforts, I had unknowingly pushed away any potential for happiness, too. I wasn't ready now, but I knew in my heart that I would want that again one day, that motherhood was one human experience I wasn't ready to give up yet. Being pregnant and feeling that loss had woken some maternal instinct that I never knew I had.

Realizing my desires didn't change the fact that nothing about our circumstances was right for raising a child. I let myself think the name that would have been hers for the first time since I was pregnant—_Renesmee_. Renesmee was an exception to those dangers. She had been unplanned and never gave us the time to weigh the responsibility of bringing a child into our supernatural world. She was also Edward's biological child and inherently belonged in that world. The simple fact was I would never be able to carry Edward's child; it was physically impossible. No, to become a mother would require a human donor or adoption. And what kind of mother would knowingly bring an innocent human child into a world of vampires?

My desires were at war with each other. I loved Edward with all of my heart, and I still wanted to spend eternity with him. I just wished there was some way that we could have a family together first. When I finally fell asleep, I was no closer to a solution. But when I woke in the morning, I was sure I had been dreaming about a tiny baby boy with black hair and rosy cheeks instead of the abstract void that had been haunting my sleep for months.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Hey guys! I really appreciate the reviews &amp; feedback so far (keep it coming!), and I'm flattered you're taking the time to read this story. I've received a few comments of concern about the direction it may be headed and how unrealistic that particular plot line is. I don't want to give anything away and I don't have every detail figured out yet, but I do want to be up front and remind everyone about the inspiration I shared in the Author's Note at the beginning of chapter 1. I intend to stay true to what I said there, and I hope I won't leave everyone too disappointed with the choices I'm making in this story. I promise I'm excited for the challenge of making everything as believable as possible. :-)  
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* * *

**Bella POV**

A month later, things were getting better and worse. They were better because after months of numbness, I was finally starting to feel more like myself again. I would never fully heal from the pain of losing our daughter, but I was beginning to come to terms with the fact that it happened. She was gone and I was here and as wrong and unnatural as that was, it was now a fact of my life that I was going to have to find a way to live with. Edward suggested that I see a psychiatrist to help me deal with the loss, and while part of me wanted to, I knew I couldn't. What was the point if I could never tell the full truth? And even if I could, I was pretty sure that vampire/human hybrid pregnancy and the emotional aftermath wasn't covered in any medical school curriculum.

Though I was working on dealing with that grief, I was nowhere close to figuring out what was next for me. Instead, I did the next best thing and tried to live day by day, and if nothing else, be present in the moment even if I wasn't ready to think about my future yet.

And in THIS particular moment, I needed. To get out. Of this house.

The first time I ventured out after my conversation with Edward didn't go so well, and it ended in me coming home in tears after spotting the most adorable young mother and newborn in a restaurant. I stuck close to home for a while after that, but the Cullens were careful to keep me entertained. I went on plenty of walks with Edward and spent lots of time with my new family. We had fun nights of playing charades, watching movies, and playing Twister (vampire strength meant I was no competition, but it could get pretty entertaining to watch as they twisted into unnatural tangled messes). They were there for me and I could never thank them enough for everything that they were doing to help, but I needed to get back out into the real world and start living again without being afraid of toddlers in grocery stores. To be honest, I was going a little stir-crazy.

Christmas was coming up soon, and I was way behind on shopping for presents.

"I'm on it!" Alice shouted from down the hall.

Without warning, she ran into the bedroom and started jumping on the bed next to the pile of clothes I was folding. Whether due to her graceful movement or the expensive Tempur-Pedic mattress Edward had insisted on ordering for me, none of the clothes toppled over.

"I just saw that we're going Christmas shopping! Get your coat on and let's go!" She squealed.

"Okay, okay!" I laughed. "Just give me a minute to get ready."

Before I could think about getting my socks and shoes, Alice was already behind me running a brush through my hair at lightning speed.

"Alice, will you give it a rest? It will take me five minutes, tops," I told her.

"Sorry, sorry! I'm just so excited you wanted to go shopping with me," she grinned.

I couldn't be mad at that. True to my word, I was downstairs and in the car in five minutes.

Shopping with Alice was always an all day experience. We had been all over Forks and Port Angeles, and we were still going strong at our fourth shopping center. We chose a new bed canopy and bedroom décor for Carlisle and Esme, a new game system for Emmett, and new ski equipment for Rosalie. Alice was booking a surprise vacation to Fiji for Jasper; I would have to shop for them both later on my own. I decided Alice would love it if I picked out a swimsuit and beach accessories for her trip, then realized as soon as I thought it that she would see it coming.

She turned and hugged me in the crowded mall.

"I'm going to love it," she assured me.

"How does anybody ever buy you presents if you always know?" I asked.

She shrugged. "Don't you know it's the thought that counts? That's just more literal for me."

We walked past a lingerie store with a hot pink and black corset and matching panties on display on an impossibly curvy mannequin.

"Think we'll find something for Edward in there?" Alice winked.

"Um, I don't think so, Alice. But thanks. We're kind of…avoiding those situations right now," I admitted. I was positive my entire face was crimson, and I took the opportunity to uncomfortably shift my bags.

"It's okay, Bella. We're sisters. You can talk to me if there's something on your mind."

"Well obviously I'm physically attracted to Edward. It's just ever since, you know, what happened, we decided the responsible thing to do is wait until I'm turned. It's been pretty hard, but we both know it's for the best," I confessed.

Edward was terrified of harming me, and I was terrified of becoming pregnant again. Besides, we couldn't assume any birth control designed for humans would really work. Keeping my hands off of my husband was probably the hardest part of prolonging my decision about my future.

"Just wait. You'll have an eternity to break beds and rattle the walls loud enough to run us out of the house before you know it," Alice laughed. "If that's what you want," she added in a more serious tone.

I was suddenly dying to know if she had seen anything change about my future lately, but I couldn't bear to ask her and bring up all of my doubts and fears.

I rolled my eyes at the first half of her comment and tried to ignore what she might be implying at the end.

"Thanks, Alice."

Next, we headed into the outdoor and sporting goods store so I could pick up some new fishing equipment for Charlie. I had secretly called Billy for advice on what to get.

"Can we check out the camping section too? I'm hoping it will give me some ideas about what to get for Jacob."

"Sure, Bella. I think that's a nice idea."

I hadn't seen him since before my argument with Edward, so I wasn't sure if he would even want to exchange gifts with me. I wouldn't be upset if he didn't get me anything, but I really wanted to put things right with him again. We had been through too much to just let that friendship go. We hadn't had a fight, exactly; I had just been too preoccupied with my own problems for a while. Some friend I was.

Alice suddenly stiffened and stood closer to me, pressing me into the shelf of tackle boxes behind me.

"Alice, what's wrong?"

Leah Clearwater stepped into view at the end of the aisle and glared at me so hard that I was suddenly glad fire vision hadn't been one of her supernatural enhancements. She was carrying a basket full of sports equipment, and I realized she must be Christmas shopping for Seth.

"Hi, Leah," I choked out from behind Alice.

"Relax, leech lover. I'm not going to bite, though I can't promise the pixie vamp won't," Leah said.

"I figured while we're both here, I might as well extend a warm invitation to stay the hell away from Jake. You've already done enough damage. Oh, and Merry Christmas."

"Ho ho ho," she exaggerated each syllable to be sure I got the insult, then walked away with a single wave that turned and exposed a single finger at the last second.

Grinch bitch.

* * *

I wasn't going to take the whole encounter with Leah too seriously. She had always been bitter and moody, and I couldn't really blame her for wanting to protect Jake from any further heartache. I fought the urge to make a list of pros and cons for reasons I should or shouldn't keep in touch with Jake and finally just picked up the phone when I got home.

Someone answered on the third ring.

"Hello?"

"Jake! Hey, it's me."

"Bells? It's good to hear your voice! How are you?" He asked.

"I'm doing a lot better, actually. I wanted to call and thank you for the last time we talked. It kind of woke me up I guess," I admitted.

"I'm really glad it hear it." I could hear the smile in his voice and how much he meant it.

"Do you have a moment to talk? How have you been?" I asked.

"Um, yeah. Hold on a sec and let me grab the cordless phone."

I heard him scrambling around in the background before finally hanging up the kitchen phone.

"Okay I'm back."

"I miss talking to you, Jake. Tell me how you've been. What's new in your life?"

"I'm good. You know, just the same old pack stuff. Dad's great. Sam can be kind of a jerk with patrols, but I know he's just doing his job. Quil's as cocky as ever. I swear he loves being a big hairy dog. You'd think he made quarterback of the football team or something. Tell me more about you though, Bells. I'm glad you're feeling better."

He laughed his easy laugh, and before I knew it, an hour had gone by. I had called to be a good friend to him, and yet somehow I wound up doing all of the talking. He was just so easy to talk to and had a way of making it feel like you were doing him a favor by telling him your life story. He was insightful and attentive and never sounded bored.

I told him how supportive my family had been, and how hard it was seeing that mother and baby in the restaurant for the first time. I even confessed that I had been doing a lot of thinking about my future and that I still hadn't reached any conclusions yet.

Then I realized there was something else I needed to say to him that we had avoided so far. I had skimmed over my argument with Edward.

"Jacob? There's one more thing."

"Yeah, Bells?"

"I'm so sorry for Edward's behavior towards you. He told me what he said. What he _asked_, I mean. And I'm so, so sorry. He never should have brought you into it at all, and I was so mad when I found out what he did. I hope you'll forgive him, and me for getting so lost that he was desperate enough to even think it." I was glad he couldn't see me blush over the phone.

"Bella, none of this is your fault. I'm not gonna lie, it was a pretty messed up conversation. I might not be the guy's biggest fan, but he's got guts for doing that. Nobody can say he wouldn't do anything, and I mean ANYTHING to try to make you happy. Even if it's batshit crazy."

Jacob laughed, and I knew things would be alright.

"Listen, what are you doing for Thanksgiving next week?" he asked.

I didn't have any big plans. Esme wanted to put together a big Thanksgiving spread for her first and maybe last Thanksgiving with me as a human, but I had convinced her that I really didn't want everyone to have to pretend and go out of their way for me.

"Nothing too big. Edward and I are going over to Charlie's and I'm cooking dinner. The other Cullens are flying up to Alaska to visit some old family friends. You and your dad are welcome to join us, Jake."

I felt bad that I hadn't thought to invite them sooner.

"Thanks. I was actually about to invite _you_ over, though. Sue's going to bring over some food for Billy and I during the day, and then the pack is having a bonfire that night. I know you're busy, but if you have time, you and Charlie could come after dinner. Or, well…"

"What?" I asked.

"I wasn't really thinking, you know, I can't exactly invite Edward over to the res. And I doubt Billy will want to have dinner with him at Charlie's place, either. I guess I'm just not really sure how to navigate this whole vampire loving best friend thing," Jake admitted.

"Oh. Right."

It was second nature to invite Jake and Billy over for dinner. It hadn't even occurred to me that Edward's presence would change things.

"Let me talk to Charlie and Edward and maybe we can work something out, Jake. If not, we'll have to hang out soon. Let me get back to you tomorrow, okay?"

"Sure, sure. Talk to you later, Bells. I'm glad you called."

"Bye, Jake. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

Jacob was right; keeping up with our friendship was going to be a challenge from now on under the circumstances, but I was determined to be a good friend to him after all that he had done for me.


End file.
